It’s not helpful that we look to social media for “inspiration,” and see highly curated content masquerading as real life. Rather than help us to tackle practical problems and steer our families to success and happiness, all this does is create misery, and the feeling that we will never be good enough. All of this stress can put an enormous strain on our mental and physical health, our relationship with our spouse, and on the harmony of the family.
The bad news is: there’s no easy button. There’s no magical formula or system (no matter what Instagram tells you) that will suddenly uncomplicate your life as a busy modern family. But there are practical things you can put into place right now, today, that will make your life easier.
7 Tips to help your growing family
Below you can learn some things that I have picked up over the last 16 years of marraige, 2 kids, 4 career changes, three moves and 1 dog.
1. Share the load, and get clear on the division of labor. This doesn’t necessarily mean a 50/50 split of all household work. The old model would dictate that the SAHP should also be handling all of the household chores, but this fails to take into account how much work simply parenting all day can be, and how little time can be left for anything else. Likewise, as the SAHP, it can be easy to imagine that your spouse gets the better end of the deal, but going to work every day to provide for a family is no small thing, and there are innumerable stresses in the workplace that you will never see. Both of you are working hard every single day.
So, what makes sense for your family? Have a planning meeting. What needs to be done, how often, and what is the simplest answer to who should do it? Write it down. Make a plan. Prioritize: Are there some things that you can let go of, and tackle together once a month on a weekend? Offload them. Everything else, the stuff that needs to get done on a daily or weekly basis, make that plan, and write it down.
Remember to have grace in this discussion. It is not the time to shame each other, or to be defensive. Work together when possible—this can allow for some genuine connection and conversation to happen between the two of you while you tackle menial tasks— and otherwise, divide things in a way that feels doable for both of you. Get a chart going, and get into the flow. Often there can be a sense of relief simply by getting clear on who does what, and when they do it.
2. Include your children in the chore list. Now you have a working flow with your spouse, and you’re getting into the rhythm of daily, weekly, monthly chores. As soon as your children are old enough to help out, (and even two-year-olds can do many simple household tasks), incorporate them into it. Children like to be given responsibilities, and including your children into the working flow will help you to feel like housework is just another chance to connect as a family, rather than work that takes you away from it. Get everyone onboard! A disorganized house can affect your ability to unplug and rest when you need to. Popcorn and movie night is going to be more enjoyable for everyone when the living room is tidy and peaceful.
3. Leave work at work. When you are done with your work, set it down and refocus your attention on your family time. It can be hard to resist the pull to check your email, respond to this or that, but try to leave work to working hours, even if you work from home. Besides, usually when you’re working while trying to also spend time with your family, you’re not really doing either. When you’re working, work. When you’re with your family, be with them. They value your presence and time as much or more than they appreciate the provision. And this saves your nervous system from burnout, too. You’re paying a high tax for being “always on.” Let it wait, and be present with your family. Often we can discover we’re not quite as busy as we think we are when we allow ourselves to do one thing at a time, instead of all of it, all of the time.
4. Take time for yourself. This is important. I’m not talking about the constant societal message to “love yourself;” I am talking about the nonnegotiable attention that you need to pay to yourself in order to show up for others. A morning cup of coffee, all to yourself, with total quiet; a creative project you’ve always had in the back of your mind; picking up a good book; a walk in the sunshine. Find something that refreshes you. Encourage your spouse to do the same, and both of you help protect that time and space for the other, recognizing its importance in the happiness and balance of the family.
5. Rest. Rest is not the killer of productivity: it is the engine. Rest is not at odds with the sacrificial love of parenthood: it is what enables it. The greatest gift that you can give to your children and your family is YOU, mentally, physically and spiritually rested. Rest does not equal laziness. Some people are so concerned about becoming lazy, they cannot rest, and therefore neither can the people around them. Your children are most likely going to do as you do, not as you say: if you’re running around like a chicken with its head cut off, never able to relax or recharge, they will note this and start modeling it. Note that rest is not the same as the time you take for yourself to do something you enjoy: rest is rest. Sleep. If sleep isn’t possible, lie down for fifteen minutes, in silence. Relax your body. Or take a bath. Rest. Hint: scrolling your phone isn’t resting!
6. Normalize family devotional and prayer. As a Christian, this is a huge part of what fills my soul, and helps restore me. It is also a habit that I want to teach my children. Carving out special devotional time can feel like an impossible ask for busy families; don’t set yourself up to fail by creating unrealistic expectations. Just bring devotion and prayer into your life, right now, as it is. Make prayer a thing your kids see you do anytime and anywhere. When you’re stressed or upset, calm yourself with a prayer. While driving your kids to an appointment you’re already fifteen minutes late for, say a prayer. In the evening or before school, read a quick chapter; discuss it, or don’t. Say a family prayer before meals or bedtime; change it from time to time, or don’t. But keep the Word of God alive in your house by incorporating it into the life you actually have, right now.
7. Connect with your spouse. Plan a date night (take-out is still a date!); pray together as a couple; make a list of family dreams or goals; listen to a record you both love instead of looking at your phones when the kids go to bed. Again, it doesn’t have to be big or splashy; just spend a little time with the mother or father of your children, the person you fell in love with, your partner in all things in this life. You will never regret the time you spend together.
